Writing Help

[Good Soldier Shweik]

My story so far has an artillery captain purchasing a slave at the planation he was stationed at. When he goes to fight at Port Hudsonhe takes her along as camp follower, he makes a grand guesture of freeing her, as the emancipation proclamation didn't apply to New Orleans where the plantation was, but did apply to Port Hudson. but he gives her no money.

This part of the story is where he gets wounded at Port Hudson, and she does basic first aid using her dress.

Questions:

How close did camp followers get to the action?

Did the Spenser rifle work that easily?

How close could a woman with a Spenser allow a man on horseback allow before firing? She has no previous experience. Can she shoot him fatally with a spenser if he got close enough? She has sand enough. (this is a fantasy after all)

How were wounded taken care of during and after a battle.

Many thanks


What I think would happen....
Cassandra pulled the water wagon up the hill to the battery position. She was so intent on getting the wagon up she didn't register that the battery was quiet. When she got there she recognized that the men at the guns were all wounded. Two bullets hitting near her got her attention. She dove behind a log as four more bullets landed where she had been. Quickly several more men came up to the battery position, but given the heavey fire the all dove for cover. Hiding behind the caissons they began loading their weapons and began firing them at the confederates. Cassandra saw the captain's Spenser rifle nearby, and grabbed it
After a few minutes a regiment got to the position and began firing. She began going down the hill, when she saw a confederate, Major Droite, directing the sharpshooters. He saw her too, and recognised her. He spurred his horse and came charging at her. She cocked the rifle and shot at him, wildly. He was coming at her at her at 30 miles an hour. She cocked the rifle again, and again she missed. She cocked the rifle again, and waited. She waited until he was four yards from her with his sword raised up for the kill when she shot him through the heart, and he dropped the reins and slowly fell off the back of his horse.
She sat down and breathed deeply. She heard union cheering and looked back at the line. The union regiment was chasing the retreating confederates. She stood up, and saw the horse about twenty feet away. She went over to the horse and hopped on holding onto the Spenser rifle, her skirts bunched around her knees, She raced back to the battery. She saw that the battle line had moved 100 yards in the front. She hopped off the horse and headed to the captain. Seeing him bleeding from a wound in his led the ripped some of the cloth it the hem of her dress and made a compress. She ripped some some more and that became the tie told the compress in place. She saw a dead confederate in front of the gun, and she took his jacket off and began tearing it into strips and applying compresses to the wounds. All of them had wounds to their legs, and none of then could walk down the hill. The ones that were awake began begging for water. She gave then some from the water wagon. The captain was quiet. Some stretcher men went up to the battery and began doing some first aid to the wounded nearby. She got the attention of one of the officers. After remonstrating with him She got them to carry the battery men to a nearby ambulance wagon. She supervised the loading of the battery men, and when they were loaded she hopped back on the horse and rode behind the ambulance to the surgeons tent, where she waited for word about the captain.
The captain was brought out and put among the likely to live. He was asleep. Cassandra sat down near his head. He slept for 20 hours. She sat by him.
The next day he was put in an ambulance and was taken down to a field where there were tents waiting for convalescents. She rode the horse she took from Major Droite, with the rifle across her knees as the captain jolted along in the ambulance.
When he woke up he asked for water, which she provided it to him."Where am I? He tried to rise up."
"You are in the convalescent waiting area. We are about a mile from the river. You lay down some more. You lost a lot of blood. Stay down, and I will get you some soup."
He collapsed, and closed his eyes. "Soup would be good. I am famished."
She stood up and went to the sutler providing stew and cornbread for outrageous prices. He also provided beer, very discreetly. She got a pair of dishes and went back to the captain.
When she got back he was lying there with his eyes open. He saw her coming with the stew. "Where did you get the money for the sutler?"
"From your pocketbook. You lied to me about not having very much."
"I just got paid."
"Um hum. They paid you in the middle of the month. You and you alone." She put the dishes on the ground and went for the saddle from what was now her horse. She brought it to the captain and put it behind his head. She then raised him up to a sitting position using the saddle for support. "I really don't appreciate being lied to mister." She gave him his bowl of stew and his corn bread. She sat down beside him and began eating. He watched her closely and ate, silently.
"You made a big deal about my supposed freedom, but I am in an army where the only safety I have is you, and I have no money." She pointed her spoon at him. "I am much your slave now as I was on the indigo plantation."
He sat and ate for a while. "You can't leave? You want to go back to New Orleans? I can have someone escort you."
She gave him a pitying look. "With no money?"
"You will have money. Laundry services four times a week at $1.50 times times five times a week is $30. You provided water for the the battery is ¢60 a day times five days is $3, plus nursing care at $3 a day is $9. $42. Will that get you a place to stay while you live in New Orleans?"
She looked at him. "I don't like charity. Laundry services is ¢60 a time anywhere in in this army where you have competent laundresses. ¢40 for incompetent. Nursing care is ¢75 a day. Besides, I want to go to St Louis, not New Orleans. Pay me when I earn it. Don't lie to me. "
He nodded. That is a good deal... Laundry at ¢70 cents a day because I am fussy. Nursing care at $1.35 a day any time I need help with the chamber pot, like right now, and you take charge of the money and write it all down in a notebook. Deal?
"What about meals at the sutlers?"
"You eat what I eat. Now can you help with the chamber pot? I need help real bad."

 

[Hussar Yeomanry]

A couple of comments. It's Spencer Rifle not Spenser. A minor point admittedly. I also have an issue with everyone in stories set in the early 1860's having Spencer's, Henry's etc. These were not common weapons. Yes they existed but they are rare. Ammunition for them was rarer still and they and the ammunition was incredibly pricy. Furthermore officers as standard carried pistols not rifles. EDIT to add - just noticed he's artillery so really he would have something like a Colt/ Remington army or navy revolver iff you want accuracy.

Finally I found the dialogue 'odd' for it just doesnt flow right to me. 'Convalescent waiting area' especially strikes me as very modern usage. I certainly would change that to 'the waiting area for convalescents', but that's just me. Your opinion may vary.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

I also want his wound severe enough he gets time off, like a permeant limp.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

A couple of comments. It's Spencer Rifle not Spenser. A minor point admittedly. I also have an issue with everyone in stories set in the early 1860's having Spencer's, Henry's etc. These were not common weapons. Yes they existed but they are rare. Ammunition for them was rarer still and they and the ammunition was incredibly pricy. Furthermore officers as standard carried pistols not rifles. EDIT to add - just noticed he's artillery so really he would have something like a Colt/ Remington army or navy revolver iff you want accuracy.

Finally I found the dialogue 'odd' for it just doesnt flow right to me. 'Convalescent waiting area' especially strikes me as very modern usage. I certainly would change that to 'the waiting area for convalescents', but that's just me. Your opinion may vary.

That would be a big help.

Could she fire a colt three times in the time a horse came roaring down on her? A colt rifle is a huge ungainly thing. She is a former house slave, not a field hand. She wouldn't have the muscle mass to handle a colt, I would think. I chose a Spenser because it was relatively small. I am making the captain who buys her relatively wealthy for the reasons you give for not approving of a Spenser.

This is happening in the summer of 1863. This is late enough that Spensers are not so rare, or am I wrong

I am going to have to work on language. I already have decided I can't handle dialect

Again, thank you.

 

[Hussar Yeomanry]

I also want his wound severe enough he gets time off, like a permeant limp.

That isnt going to be a problem. Bullets of this period are heavy lead slugs that deform as they hit bone thereby increasing the size of the wound so him not dying is going to be the issue. Infections were also rife and rightly terrified people.

Now and I'm just guessing. Is this your first book? I'm an occasional writer and have been for more than fifteen years and what I will say is practice, practice, practice. Also read other people's works. See what works for them. See what doesnt and you will get better for while this is much better than the first inane scribblings I came up with it just seems 'heavy'. Labored.

At times you will want this but as a writer most of the time you need the story to flow. This doesnt quite (in my opinion which is worth what you are paying for it). I think it is close and much of that could be fixed.

I think (personally) you need a little more description (using all the senses) though not too much (for example the heavy recoil of the weapon if as you say she is unused to it) and too much of what you have written is using passive voice. As an example you have 'She dove behind a log as four more bullets landed where she had been'. What about 'Diving behind a log she whimpered as more bullets hit the ground where she had been but moments before' I say this because in the confusion of battle she isnt going to calmly count things. Also you might want to change the log to one of the battery caissons for the presence of a log strikes me as contrived. On the other hand the ammunition caisson has a reason to be there.

Then there are the awful heart renching conditions she is likely to encounter in a field hospital. Go look in the Medical Forum here for the ample evidence of that. You can certainly do much with that.

Finally and in reply to your last post I wasnt thinking of a Colt repeating rifle. I was thinking of the standard officers sidearm, the revolver. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colt_1851_Navy_Revolver for example. This would easily kill a man. It would also be a reasonable explanation why she doesnt hit the cavalryman till he is so close.

Anyway I will shut up now.

 

[Hussar Yeomanry]

Oh and writing dialogue is hard. Most writers think it is the hardest thing out there though a few are blessed by being naturally good at it. However the more you try the better you will become.

 

[Hussar Yeomanry]

One final final thing (really) - you have the word She capitalised in every instance. It only needs it after a period. You might also want to remove a number of them and replace it with the characters name. Try it. See if it helps. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

That isnt going to be a problem. Bullets of this period are heavy lead slugs that deform as they hit bone thereby increasing the size of the wound so him not dying is going to be the issue. Infections were also rife and rightly terrified people.

Now and I'm just guessing. Is this your first book? I'm an occasional writer and have been for more than fifteen years and what I will say is practice, practice, practice. Also read other people's works. See what works for them. See what doesnt and you will get better for while this is much better than the first inane scribblings I came up with it just seems 'heavy'. Labored.

At times you will want this but as a writer most of the time you need the story to flow. This doesnt quite (in my opinion which is worth what you are paying for it). I think it is close and much of that could be fixed.

I think (personally) you need a little more description (using all the senses) though not too much (for example the heavy recoil of the weapon if as you say she is unused to it) and too much of what you have written is using passive voice. As an example you have 'She dove behind a log as four more bullets landed where she had been'. What about 'Diving behind a log she whimpered as more bullets hit the ground where she had been but moments before' I say this because in the confusion of battle she isnt going to calmly count things. Also you might want to change the log to one of the battery caissons for the presence of a log strikes me as contrived. On the other hand the ammunition caisson has a reason to be there.

Then there are the awful heart renching conditions she is likely to encounter in a field hospital. Go look in the Medical Forum here for the ample evidence of that. You can certainly do much with that.

Finally and in reply to your last post I wasnt thinking of a Colt repeating rifle. I was thinking of the standard officers sidearm, the revolver. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colt_1851_Navy_Revolver for example. This would easily kill a man. It would also be a reasonable explanation why she doesnt hit the cavalryman till he is so close.

Anyway I will shut up now.

It is very helpful.


This is first draft I think everything you say is a huge help. She isn't going to whimper, however. No way, no how. I don't see that in her.

I didn't want to use a revolver at first because of accuracy problems.

I do think she is going to see miserable problems in the hospital. That will get fleshed out further. You gave a tremendous help there. I looked up the minie ball. It was a horrible weapon.

 

[Lubliner]

As a second opinion, I find your story (which is good) in a plot outline form. It possibly leads in to a more expansive moment of time-awareness but you must consider the reader's perception, such as the outlined action and the respite afterward. People should feel 'time-reference' of what you provide, the moments of breath that bring life. Your dialogue was supportive and allowed movement, and gave direction for what is to come. How much time is involved in the story can have a bearing on its length and density. 'Good'.
Lubliner.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

Te action of this excerpt is june, 1863. The location near Port Hudson. What I have here is an afternoon's small action at the start of the siege.

My main concern is getting him a wound that will have him out of the conflict from July until October, but not being totally incapacitated so that he is of no use anywhere. and having her not strain credulity to much standing there with a pistol (I am taking Yoemanrie's advice here) getting thee shots off and standing her ground for the third shot to kill him at point blank range.

I will demonstrate through other brief stories that she has the ovaries to do that.

Having him as part of the army of occupation of New Orleans is good so far.... I need him getting more action. Would a man who was invalided out in July be required to go back to New Orleans, or would he possibly be attached to Thomas in early October? would that be out of line, or would that be possible?

 

[Zella]

My two cents as someone who has taught writing and worked as an editor: there needs to be more sentence variety. Almost every sentence begins the same and has the same structure (starting with "she" or "he"). The result is choppy and doesn't flow well. Working in some introductory phrases, appositive phrases, and absolute phrases would help add some much-needed sentence variety.

too much of what you have written is using passive voice. As an example you have 'She dove behind a log as four more bullets landed where she had been'. What about 'Diving behind a log she whimpered as more bullets hit the ground where she had been but moments before'

Technically, that sentence isn't passive. (Sorry, former English teacher here. Can't help myself. ) However, I think your suggestion on the rewording of that sentence would help quite a bit with adding sentence variety since it changes up the start of the sentence and moves away from "she" and "he."

 

[wbull1]

A critique group would be helpful if you can find one that actually critiques, which is harder than it sounds. Analyzing and responding to other people's work is a great way to sharpen your revisions on your own work. Good luck.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

How about " diving behind the cassion she felt furious at the hidden marksmen shooting the men working the batteries... "

As I said before, my vision of her is she has steel ovaries and doesn't whimper.

 

[wbull1]

How about " diving behind the cassion she felt furious at the hidden marksmen shooting the men working the batteries... "

Diving behind the cassion, she landed with a splat in a muddle puddle. "Cowards!" she shouted. "Shooting men who can't even see you."

 

[Zella]

How about " diving behind the cassion she felt furious at the hidden marksmen shooting the men working the batteries... "

As I said before, my vision of her is she has steel ovaries and doesn't whimper.

I think that's definitely better! It takes care of the sentence variety issue, adds some specific detail (always a good thing), and gives you a sense of her as a character.

My only suggestion would be to show the reader she was furious rather than telling them (as much as possible). What would show the reader she was furious? Does she swear at them? Does she wish death on them in her mind? Or does she just silently seethe? You seem to have a pretty good sense of her personality, so you'll know what her reaction will be.

That will further help with fleshing out her character and making her memorable.

 

[Zella]

I cross-posted with @wbull1, but his suggestion is a good example of what I was talking about.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

Diving behind the cassion, she landed with a splat in a muddle puddle. "Cowards!" she shouted. "Shooting men who can't even see you."

I like it, but it doesn't have her going for shelter. Being exposed in a mud puddle would have her killed. But I like it. can I steal it?

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

I think that's definitely better! It takes care of the sentence variety issue, adds some specific detail (always a good thing), and gives you a sense of her as a character.

My only suggestion would be to show the reader she was furious rather than telling them (as much as possible). What would show the reader she was furious? Does she swear at them? Does she wish death on them in her mind? Or does she just silently seethe? You seem to have a pretty good sense of her personality, so you'll know what her reaction will be.

That will further help with fleshing out her character and making her memorable.

She is a former slave. She would seethe.

I have some ideas about her character. She is extremely bright and spoiled because the master from when she was born till she was 22 treated her as free, because she was the daughter of slave he preferred to his shrewish wife. But when he went bankrupt she was sold off as a sex toy.

 

[Good Soldier Shweik]

I think that's definitely better! It takes care of the sentence variety issue, adds some specific detail (always a good thing), and gives you a sense of her as a character.

My only suggestion would be to show the reader she was furious rather than telling them (as much as possible). What would show the reader she was furious? Does she swear at them? Does she wish death on them in her mind? Or does she just silently seethe? You seem to have a pretty good sense of her personality, so you'll know what her reaction will be.

That will further help with fleshing out her character and making her memorable.

How about " diving behind the cassion she looked for a way to get at marksmen shooting the men working the batteries...finding a gun charged but dropped by a dead soldier she aimed the rifle at the confederate officer and fired, hiting his plumed hat two feet from his head... "

 

[gary]

The Spencer required cocking the hammer and working the lever to work. Unless she observed someone using it, she may not be able to shoot it. A Henry is much easier and at least one was privately purchased before the war.