The Haunted Past

[mofederal]

I will work on that for you tomorrow @Cavalry Charger, just too tired right now.

 

[Cavalry Charger]

For a man, mourning was quite different. Men were needed to take care of the family and the business. The man was expected to return to his occupation as soon as the deceased was buried.

I do wonder how this affected men...that good old (and I guess they had no choice) 'you just need to get on with it' type of attitude. I've no doubt many felt the loss of their wives deeply, as futures and dreams were lost as well. What heavy loads have been placed on men over the centuries, and the need to carry these weights alone I wonder how well they were able to invest in their new relationships after enduring such a loss? It seems almost callous, to move on (or be required to move on so quickly), but those were the times and somehow the men did what they needed to do...just like the women.

 

[Cavalry Charger]

I will work on that for you tomorrow @Cavalry Charger, just too tired right now.

No worries Thanks.

 

[mofederal]

What surprised me most were the differences in men's and women's mourning. I remember hearing that my grandfather after my grandma's death (in 1924) went hunting for a replacement for her, really for my dad who was 10, immediately. My grandfather was very much a Victorian. He was born in 1867.

 

[Cavalry Charger]

What surprised me most were the differences in men's and women's mourning. I remember hearing that my grandfather after my grandma's death (in 1924) went hunting for a replacement for her, really for my dad who was 10, immediately. My grandfather was very much a Victorian. He was born in 1867.

The men would have had to keep things 'ticking over', and childminding wouldn't have been part of the deal, or cooking, or cleaning probably! Someone had to take care of things at home, otherwise the children may have ended up parceled out These must have been difficult times for children, too.

 

[1867crete]

What surprised me most were the differences in men's and women's mourning. I remember hearing that my grandfather after my grandma's death (in 1924) went hunting for a replacement for her, really for my dad who was 10, immediately. My grandfather was very much a Victorian. He was born in 1867.

i agree! It seems so unfair. I'm sure some men, (and some women for that matter) could move on immediately after such a loss. And some could not. But to have such cut and dry dates and stages. Seems cold to me.

 

[1867crete]

Children are resilient But again I'm using my 21 century brain... to under stand this fully one would have to take all aspects of the 19 century in to consideration. I always say I'd love to go back in time, but I honestly not sure I could handle the day to day struggles?!

 

[AshleyMel]

What surprised me most were the differences in men's and women's mourning. I remember hearing that my grandfather after my grandma's death (in 1924) went hunting for a replacement for her, really for my dad who was 10, immediately. My grandfather was very much a Victorian. He was born in 1867.

My great Uncle (my grandmother's brother) mourned the loss of my Aunt Alma so deeply and harshly, his children immediately encouraged him to remarry. He had been bed ridden for weeks. So he did. Within months of my Aunt's death. It was so fast our heads spun! And the kicker was, he married Aunt Almas own Aunt (they were close in age) and could have passed for twins! They both were extremely happy and had a very long and loving marriage. I used to think if the shoe were on the other foot, it would have been more of a family scandal, not the relief that it was!

 

[amweiner]

Great information and thread, @Eleanor Rose!! Loss and mourning are such tough subjects to take on, especially when you think about how many families were bereaved. Given the recruiting/enlistment practices during the War, it wasn't rare for small towns to lose a great number of their young men (I wouldn't be surprised if some small communities lost all of their young men after big battles). This leaves not just families grieving and hurt, but towns, counties, churches, entire communities feeling that inexpressible and irredeemable loss.

 

[mkyzzzrdet]

View attachment 165914
Pinterest

"Americans responded to death as a constant companion, and even embraced it with resignation and ritual. Americans...were intimately acquainted with death. Victorians embraced mourning as a sub-culture. It impacted how people dressed, how they behaved in society, and even how they decorated their homes. Women were responsible for mourning in the family, and carried the responsibility of preparing mourning garments and making sure everyone was dressed properly."
-Karen Rae Mehaffey

In preparation for the visitation and funeral services, the home of the deceased would have an outward appearance to show the community that there was a death in the family. Draping the front door and/or door knob in a black crepe with ribbons (or in white if it was the death of a child) was the most common practice. Some placed mourning wreaths on the door.
View attachment 165907
Passion for the Past

Inside the home anything reflective or shiny would be covered. This included mirrors and glass of any kind, including picture frame glass. Crepe was often draped over fireplace mantels, windows, shelves, and other household items, especially in the bedroom of the deceased. Clocks would be stopped at the time of death and would not be restarted until the burial was over. Window curtains and shades were drawn and shutters closed.

"The home was to remain quiet and calm, there was to be no confusion or loud talking while the body remained in the house. The departed loved one would be placed on viewing in the family parlor of the home."
- Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins

People were "invited" to the funeral via death announcements, actual funeral invitations or personal letters from the mourners. The stationary used would be white with a black border. These announcements or invitations were hand delivered to the family and friends of the deceased.

Women mourned in three stages: deep mourning, second mourning, and half mourning.
Mourning a spouse generally would last one to 2 ½ years
For a parent: 6 months to a year
For children over 10 years old: 6 months to a year
For children under 10 years: 3 to 6 months
Infants: 6 weeks and up
For siblings: 6 to 8 months
For aunts and uncles: 3 to 6 months
For cousins: 6 weeks to 3 months
For aunts or uncles related by marriage: 6 weeks to 3 months
Grandparents: 6 months
For more distant relatives and friends: 3 weeks and up


Sources:
"Rachel Weeping II: Mourning in 19th Century America" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"The After-Life" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"Widow's Weeds" by Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins
Passion for the Past blog

Isn't the top picture of Stonewall Jacksons family, at his original gravesite?

 

[AshleyMel]

Looking up things I found another thing. Oh my.
Mourning hair wreaths.
Gulp.
There were also brooches and jewelry made from the deceased's hair.
Pinterest has lots of pics

 

[Eleanor Rose]

Isn't the top picture of Stonewall Jacksons family, at his original gravesite?

Great question! I just checked and it's identified as: Girls from Ann Smith Academy at Stonewall Jackson's grave in Lexington, Virginia

 

[Eleanor Rose]

Great information and thread, @Eleanor Rose!! Loss and mourning are such tough subjects to take on, especially when you think about how many families were bereaved. Given the recruiting/enlistment practices during the War, it wasn't rare for small towns to lose a great number of their young men (I wouldn't be surprised if some small communities lost all of their young men after big battles). This leaves not just families grieving and hurt, but towns, counties, churches, entire communities feeling that inexpressible and irredeemable loss.

As I have read about the mourning practices of the 19th century, I have come to respect what it gave both men (although much more limited) and women. It gave them the opportunity to mourn and to let others know how they were feeling. It gave the mourner permission to cry and have others understand. It gave the mourner permission to be angry and have others understand. It gave the mourner permission to be moody and have others understand. In other words the mourner could grieve whenever they needed to do so.

We still need to be allowed to mourn and to know it is "normal." When others don't know that someone is grieving, they may respond in an inappropriate manner or discount the depth of what that person is experiencing.

 

[Eleanor Rose]

This is a question for our reenactors. Do reenactments or living history events ever explore the customs of mourning (other than women appearing in widow's weeds)?

 

[diane]

Sometimes the mourning included a boyfriend or fiance. Patrick Cleburne - his fiancee stayed in her room for a year, so did McPherson's. Jeb Stuart's wife and Stonewall Jackson's wife both stayed in black all their lives. (Kind of think that would have made Jeb unhappy - Flora liked dark or dull colors and he was always trying to get her to wear something colorful!)

 

[AshleyMel]

As I have read about the mourning practices of the 19th century, I have come to respect what it gave both men (although much more limited) and women. It gave them the opportunity to mourn and to let others know how they were feeling. It gave the mourner permission to cry and have others understand. It gave the mourner permission to be angry and have others understand. It gave the mourner permission to be moody and have others understand. In other words the mourner could grieve whenever they needed to do so.

We still need to be allowed to mourn and to know it is "normal." When others don't know that someone is grieving, they may respond in an inappropriate manner or discount the depth of what that person is experiencing.

Beautiful stated! On several occasions, as a minister's wife, I have observed Hubby taking part in counseling the bereaved to take time for themselves and grieve and mourn. To not rush too quickly to return to the business of every day life. I have seen the devastation that can happen in not allowing "time heals all wounds".

 

[Eleanor Rose]

Beautiful stated! On several occasions, as a minister's wife, I have observed Hubby taking part in counseling the bereaved to take time for themselves and grieve and mourn. To not rush too quickly to return to the business of every day life. I have seen the devastation that can happen in not allowing "time heals all wounds".

Thank you @AshleyMel! I'm so glad there are folks like your husband (and you) who counsel folks to take the time they need. All too often, I think people expect folks to just "get over it" after a few weeks. Mourning is different for everyone. Just as I'm not sure a 19th century widow needed almost two years to grieve, I'm just as sure that most folks need more than a few weeks. The idea of have a time table for grief seems weird to me.

 

[AshleyMel]

Thank you @AshleyMel! I'm so glad there are folks like your husband (and you) who counsel folks to take the time they need. All too often, I think people expect folks to just "get over it" after a few weeks. Mourning is different for everyone. Just as I'm not sure a 19th century widow needed almost two years to grieve, I'm just as sure that most folks need more than a few weeks. The idea of have a time table for grief seems weird to me.

It is so deeply personal. I have seen marriages not make it. Families unable to heal. Children lash out and drift away. Usually happens when good and loving family members and friends intervene too quickly. I told my husband once the best medicine for a grieving family is time, time and fried chicken suppers every night for at least a two weeks. And cake. Lots of chocolate cake.

 

[NH Civil War Gal]

Sometimes the mourning included a boyfriend or fiance. Patrick Cleburne - his fiancee stayed in her room for a year, so did McPherson's. Jeb Stuart's wife and Stonewall Jackson's wife both stayed in black all their lives. (Kind of think that would have made Jeb unhappy - Flora liked dark or dull colors and he was always trying to get her to wear something colorful!)

I think Jeb Stuart's wife wanted to be known as "Mrs. General J.E.B. Stuart" on all correspondence after he died. I'm sure it was a way for her to feel still married and closer to him.

 

[donna]

Very interesting thread. Mourning is different for all. Some seem to get over a death more quickly and some never get over a death.