The Haunted Past

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Nov 26, 2016
Location
central NC
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“Americans responded to death as a constant companion, and even embraced it with resignation and ritual. Americans...were intimately acquainted with death. Victorians embraced mourning as a sub-culture. It impacted how people dressed, how they behaved in society, and even how they decorated their homes. Women were responsible for mourning in the family, and carried the responsibility of preparing mourning garments and making sure everyone was dressed properly.”
-Karen Rae Mehaffey


In preparation for the visitation and funeral services, the home of the deceased would have an outward appearance to show the community that there was a death in the family. Draping the front door and/or door knob in a black crepe with ribbons (or in white if it was the death of a child) was the most common practice. Some placed mourning wreaths on the door.
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Inside the home anything reflective or shiny would be covered. This included mirrors and glass of any kind, including picture frame glass. Crepe was often draped over fireplace mantels, windows, shelves, and other household items, especially in the bedroom of the deceased. Clocks would be stopped at the time of death and would not be restarted until the burial was over. Window curtains and shades were drawn and shutters closed.


"The home was to remain quiet and calm, there was to be no confusion or loud talking while the body remained in the house. The departed loved one would be placed on viewing in the family parlor of the home."
- Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins


People were “invited” to the funeral via death announcements, actual funeral invitations or personal letters from the mourners. The stationary used would be white with a black border. These announcements or invitations were hand delivered to the family and friends of the deceased.

Women mourned in three stages: deep mourning, second mourning, and half mourning.
Mourning a spouse generally would last one to 2 ½ years
For a parent: 6 months to a year
For children over 10 years old: 6 months to a year
For children under 10 years: 3 to 6 months
Infants: 6 weeks and up
For siblings: 6 to 8 months
For aunts and uncles: 3 to 6 months
For cousins: 6 weeks to 3 months
For aunts or uncles related by marriage: 6 weeks to 3 months
Grandparents: 6 months
For more distant relatives and friends: 3 weeks and up


Sources:

“Rachel Weeping II: Mourning in 19th Century America" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"The After-Life" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"Widow's Weeds" by Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins
Passion for the Past blog

 
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Deep mourning was the first stage of mourning for a woman, and it immediately followed the death of a husband or child. Mourning clothes were expected to be plain with little or no adornment. Hats were not to be worn for mourning. Bonnets covered in crepe replaced them. The woman would not speak with anyone, but her family or closest friends. She would not attend any social gatherings and remained secluded. Deep mourning lasted for at least a year and a day. There are instances where some women never left this stage.

Second stage mourning followed deep mourning and lasted around nine to twelve months. Full mourning collars and cuffs were replaced by white, veils were taken off and the crepe was discarded. By this second year the woman could add lace. If a woman chose to continue wearing a veil, it was shortened.

Next came half mourning. This was the last stage of a woman's mourning ritual. It was during these last six months that the widow could include the addition of lilac, lavender, violet, mauve, and gray. She would use black and white ornaments for evening wear and her bonnets were usually white, lavender silk or straw. Dresses with bold prints were also acceptable fashion.

For specific periods of time, depending on their community's customs, a widow would not leave her home and did not receive any visitors. After a respectable time, she would then send out black edged cards advising friends and family that her time of heavy mourning had passed and she could now receive visitors. Attending weddings and other social affairs was unacceptable for at least the first two stages of mourning and often during the half mourning as well.

A woman spent about two and a half years completing the mourning process over her deceased husband. With each stage she slowly re-entered society.

Sources:
“Rachel Weeping II: Mourning in 19th Century America" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"The After-Life" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"Widow's Weeds" by Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins
Passion for the Past blog
 
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For a man, mourning was quite different. Men were needed to take care of the family and the business. The man was expected to return to his occupation as soon as the deceased was buried.

A male's mourning garb was his best (dark) suit with a weeper wrapped around the hatband of his hat. Most historians agree that men also wore a black armband. A man might wear a black cockade on his lapel as well. Once a widower's wife was buried, he often began to look for a new wife, especially if he had young children at home or if his wife had died giving birth to a living child. However, if he re-married shortly after his deceased wife was buried, his new wife might then mourn for the first wife, wearing all of the mourning clothing and going through the stages as described in the previous post.

Sources:
“Rachel Weeping II: Mourning in 19th Century America" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"The After-Life" by Karen Rae Mehaffey
"Widow's Weeds" by Bernadette Loeffel-Atkins
Passion for the Past blog
 
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In the 1860s, mourning attire created a "shield" for the family during their time of deep grief. The mourning family was not expected to make public appearances of any kind - the widows were even relieved from having to go out to do regular shopping. Women chose to wear heavy veils to protect themselves from prying eyes. They did not want others to see their sad faces and tears.

"It is a common misconception today that people attending funerals in the 1860s wore the full black attire of widows and widowers. On the contrary, full mourning attire was reserved for the family of the deceased only. It was considered improper and even rude for non-family members to wear full mourning.”
- Heather Sheen

Non-family members did not wear mourning attire to the funeral even in sympathy. Instead they often wore mourning cockades and badges. These were considered appropriate for men and women of all ages. They could be worn to the funeral or for several months thereafter.


Source: Heather Sheen, from the site Creative Cockades
 
I read an article the other day and I have read several books in the past on the subject. I watched a video on you tube yesterday. They had some excellent videos on the subject and being bored I watched them. Depressing but very interesting, and they displayed all stages of original mourning clothing for women. They also showed men's mourning clothes. Not so much of the jewelry, which I kind of like. I also saw a short video on upright post mortem photography. A mortician said it is bogus, because of the dead weight of a body. Much heavier than people would imagine. Weird stuff on you tube.
 
I just posted some thoughts on this very thing!
Thanks to you!
There is comfort to be found in some of these traditions!
I always, always go back to Scarlett though! Kicking up her heels in that black dress!
Scandalous!
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Aunt Pittypat about had a coronary at that ball when she accepted that dance....The Virginia Reel if I remember correctly. :D
 
Quite fascinating. What a difference in the customs from then to now. Today, it seems entirely appropriate for family members who are in mourning to wear any type of clothing and color to the service. Even when my dad died in 1999 (in Kansas City, KS) almost no one wore black, except me. And, I thought I was breaking the rule because the blouse of the outfit I wore had two white stripes down the middle.

Seems like there is a lot of comfort to be found in those old traditions...
 
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Eleanor. Do the older people of the South practice the morning rituals as outlined above or resolve themselves to modern day practices? Eleanor, I enjoy reading your posts. They have provided me with a plethora of knowledge about Southern culture I never knew before joining this forum. Thank You for posting this interesting information and keep up the good work. David.
 
Eleanor. Do the older people of the South practice the morning rituals as outlined above or resolve themselves to modern day practices? Eleanor, I enjoy reading your posts. They have provided me with a plethora of knowledge about Southern culture I never knew before joining this forum. Thank You for posting this interesting information and keep up the good work. David.

Thanks David! I can only speak from my own experience, but truth be told a lot of those “older” traditions are still in place in NC – some more than others depending on your social circle. It is very common place to see a white wreath or ribbon on someone’s door if there has been a death in the family. Family members still usually wear black to the viewing and funeral of their loved one. Some families have signs placed a hundred yards or so from their home alerting folks that they are approaching a home in mourning – the idea being that folks should drive more slowly. And traffic still stops (or is expected to do so) when a funeral procession is passing to show respect to the deceased. Much of this may be common place in other areas as well. It would be interesting to hear.

I can remember when it was still standard practice to have the deceased carried home for the viewing and for the body to remain there during the night before the funeral. I accompanied my mother and grandmother on more than one such occasion to offer condolences. That always gave me the creeps. It was also customary for someone to sit with the deceased during the night. I always felt sorry for that person.
 
Thanks David! I can only speak from my own experience, but truth be told a lot of those “older” traditions are still in place in NC – some more than others depending on your social circle. It is very common place to see a white wreath or ribbon on someone’s door if there has been a death in the family. Family members still usually wear black to the viewing and funeral of their loved one. Some families have signs placed a hundred yards or so from their home alerting folks that they are approaching a home in mourning – the idea being that folks should drive more slowly. And traffic still stops (or is expected to do so) when a funeral procession is passing to show respect to the deceased. Much of this may be common place in other areas as well. It would be interesting to hear.

I can remember when it was still standard practice to have the deceased carried home for the viewing and for the body to remain there during the night before the funeral. I accompanied my mother and grandmother on more than one such occasion to offer condolences. That always gave me the creeps. It was also customary for someone to sit with the deceased during the night. I always felt sorry for that person.
ELEANOR. THANKS FOR THE INFORMATION. DAVID.
 
I read an article the other day and I have read several books in the past on the subject. I watched a video on you tube yesterday. They had some excellent videos on the subject and being bored I watched them. Depressing but very interesting, and they displayed all stages of original mourning clothing for women. They also showed men's mourning clothes. Not so much of the jewelry, which I kind of like. I also saw a short video on upright post mortem photography. A mortician said it is bogus, because of the dead weight of a body. Much heavier than people would imagine. Weird stuff on you tube.
I'd love a link to that first video @mofederal if you're able to provide one.
 
Wow I keep thinking about the stages of mourning. Lasting months and years!? Would this help or hurt the person? I would have to think that such intense practices would not be benefiting the person? Life was hard enough back then!
I know I read in another thread here that the Mayor of one town ordered the women to discontinue wearing black garb as it was becoming too depressing...I'm guessing there were a lot of men from that town killed during the CW :frown:
 
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