The Art Of Who We Were, Balls and Grace And Lace And Nice

JPK Huson 1863

Brev. Brig. Gen'l
Joined
Feb 14, 2012
Location
Central Pennsylvania
couples ball.JPG

Sure, it's a romantic image. Women, men, lace, ringlets, fans and cravats, silk slippers and long-tailed coats. You can smell lavender hanging in the air, too. What we tend to miss is the social backdrop, expectations making a ball possible to be held at all. It was nice. Image above is a little pre-war, what's interesting is the time span where you find these. Not 150 years later though.

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I'm not a huge advocate of pressing one's nose against history's window, stung by nostalgia for the ' Good Old Days '. BUT. Sometimes it's a good idea.

From a dance manual teaching people ' the art of the dance '. Around 1/3 of it focuses on this. What did dance and being pleasant have to do with each other? Apparently a LOT.
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For all the incivility inherent in anything called ' war ', this one took place against a social backdrop of carefully laid down, maintained and rigidly adhered to norms. Etiquette can be misunderstood. It wasn't all white gloves and silly, uber ceremonious ritual. Etiquette was a way to rub elbows with each other and doing it well.

dance active large polka.jpg

Illustration from the page teaching you how to dance the polka. Say what you will about current ball room dancing, there's a ton of cooperation in these steps.

Despite an entire war ( or maybe because of it ) balls and dances were held and for quite a few reasons. " In honor of " and " In celebration of ", openings, closings, holidays, fund raisers. Point being balls were a way of life. I'm not sure we understand how freakishly ( compared to 2020 ) civil the entire set up was. To GO to one of these events meant you knew a. how to dance b. and what the rules were, rules being etiquette- back to rubbing elbow together very, very well. IMO, we've forgotten.

It wasn't just the society's elite meeting on a regular basis , flaunting position and wealth. Balls were everyone's, anyone's; judging by the 10 balls I found advertised in one fairly small town newspaper, held at the drop of fan. That was nice, too. OK, so this one has a holiday attached- using it to illustrate who might be at the next one.
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This may seem ' quaint ', overly ritualistic and stilted. Honestly, it isn't. Our expectations about how you interacted were so different 150 years ago it's too easy dismissing this kind of thing as ' quaint '. What it is, is lost, that's all. Rituals were a good thing. This cartoon pokes fun at how elaborate it became, down to getting dressed to go to the ball- but there really was a point and it worked.

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It lampoons our tendency to go overboard, I'm unconvinced it was all bad. Even as over-the-top and elaborate it was just getting ready to go be elaborately civil to each other, it remains an illustration of how gosh darn seriously we took the idea rubbing elbows with each other was a serious business. You can find lengthy articles on civility in most issues of a single newspaper. That's worth getting nostalgic over.
eti paper.JPG


There's around a gazillion instructional books on dancing. They're wonderful. Note they're not separate topics- you learned how to dance and behave well. There wasn't one without the other. Twins, not just siblings inside who we were.

dance fancy polka.JPG
 
There's a lot to be said for society having, and to a certain extent,enforcing, rules of civility. The norms that dancing embraced - respect for one's partner, attention to rules and standards, mannerly conduct - all made for pleasant interactions in the ballroom and outside it. But. You knew there was going to be a but, didn't you? These same standards and norms also worked to restrict individuals who didn't want to follow the steps of the dance - and more importantly the rules of overall societal conduct - in the ways the dancing masters required. The same people who had such pretty manners in the ballroom woke up the next day to get to a slave auction. And they saw no conflict in those activities at all.
 
Formal Ball announced for Friday night---What's the occasion?----Friday Night!
A lost memory somewhere between 1962 and 1964 is being made to take 'Cotillion Lessons' at an elementary school 2 nights a week. We did have a 'Ball' at the end of the season where our Moms' were in the audience. I was super-embarrassed. I had much more fun with the square-dances at my own elementary school in the gym, during class-hours. That formal stuff is avoided at all costs!
Lubliner.
 
There's a lot to be said for society having, and to a certain extent,enforcing, rules of civility. The norms that dancing embraced - respect for one's partner, attention to rules and standards, mannerly conduct - all made for pleasant interactions in the ballroom and outside it. But. You knew there was going to be a but, didn't you? These same standards and norms also worked to restrict individuals who didn't want to follow the steps of the dance - and more importantly the rules of overall societal conduct - in the ways the dancing masters required. The same people who had such pretty manners in the ballroom woke up the next day to get to a slave auction. And they saw no conflict in those activities at all.


Absolutely. I'm from the perspective where learning to color inside the lines is more about establishing a norm than about hand/eye coordination. We sure could be locked down too and the pecking order was nothing to sneeze at. We're still incredibly archaic about the latter- ' norms ' helped lock it in but gee whiz, it's 2020. Past time to let go of the idea better/worse based on ' place ' in society.

I'm more getting at the fundamental idea there was a kinda baseline when it came to interacting with each other. Those elaborate modes of conduct were extreme, base was a useful construct, you know? As our population grows, space between us shrinks. Social media hasn't helped, where it's just FINE to be both rude and intrusive. Crazy stuff, when it's more important than ever to just, plain figure out how to get along.
 
View attachment 344004
Sure, it's a romantic image. Women, men, lace, ringlets, fans and cravats, silk slippers and long-tailed coats. You can smell lavender hanging in the air, too. What we tend to miss is the social backdrop, expectations making a ball possible to be held at all. It was nice. Image above is a little pre-war, what's interesting is the time span where you find these. Not 150 years later though.

View attachment 344000

I'm not a huge advocate of pressing one's nose against history's window, stung by nostalgia for the ' Good Old Days '. BUT. Sometimes it's a good idea.

From a dance manual teaching people ' the art of the dance '. Around 1/3 of it focuses on this. What did dance and being pleasant have to do with each other? Apparently a LOT.
View attachment 344001


For all the incivility inherent in anything called ' war ', this one took place against a social backdrop of carefully laid down, maintained and rigidly adhered to norms. Etiquette can be misunderstood. It wasn't all white gloves and silly, uber ceremonious ritual. Etiquette was a way to rub elbows with each other and doing it well.

View attachment 343999
Illustration from the page teaching you how to dance the polka. Say what you will about current ball room dancing, there's a ton of cooperation in these steps.

Despite an entire war ( or maybe because of it ) balls and dances were held and for quite a few reasons. " In honor of " and " In celebration of ", openings, closings, holidays, fund raisers. Point being balls were a way of life. I'm not sure we understand how freakishly ( compared to 2020 ) civil the entire set up was. To GO to one of these events meant you knew a. how to dance b. and what the rules were, rules being etiquette- back to rubbing elbow together very, very well. IMO, we've forgotten.

It wasn't just the society's elite meeting on a regular basis , flaunting position and wealth. Balls were everyone's, anyone's; judging by the 10 balls I found advertised in one fairly small town newspaper, held at the drop of fan. That was nice, too. OK, so this one has a holiday attached- using it to illustrate who might be at the next one.
View attachment 344005




View attachment 343998
This may seem ' quaint ', overly ritualistic and stilted. Honestly, it isn't. Our expectations about how you interacted were so different 150 years ago it's too easy dismissing this kind of thing as ' quaint '. What it is, is lost, that's all. Rituals were a good thing. This cartoon pokes fun at how elaborate it became, down to getting dressed to go to the ball- but there really was a point and it worked.

View attachment 344003
It lampoons our tendency to go overboard, I'm unconvinced it was all bad. Even as over-the-top and elaborate it was just getting ready to go be elaborately civil to each other, it remains an illustration of how gosh darn seriously we took the idea rubbing elbows with each other was a serious business. You can find lengthy articles on civility in most issues of a single newspaper. That's worth getting nostalgic over.
View attachment 344002

There's around a gazillion instructional books on dancing. They're wonderful. Note they're not separate topics- you learned how to dance and behave well. There wasn't one without the other. Twins, not just siblings inside who we were.

View attachment 343997

From an etiquette book of the mid century:

Men were expected to be extremely active in the ballroom to make up for the passivity required of ladies; who could not ask gentlemen to dance, and who could not even be seen to cross the dance floor unescorted. Ladies would be conveyed to their station by a gentleman, and there they would wait until another gentleman came to speak to them, ask them to dance or convey them to the punchbowl.

"The gentleman should call for the lady whom he is to escort, go with her to the ball, escort her to the dressing room, return to join her there when she is ready to go to the reception room... engage her company for the first dance, and escort her to supper when she is ready to go. He must watch and see that she has a partner for dancing through the entire evening. Upon reaching home, if the lady invites him in, he must decline. It is his duty to call in two days".

"A gentleman should always walk around a lady's train and never attempt to step over it. If by accident he should tread upon her dress, he should beg her pardon, and if by greater awkwardness he should tear it, he must offer to escort her to the dressing room so that it may be repaired. If in the ball room a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to inquire if her carriage is waiting, he should under no circumstances refuse her requests... well bred gentleman will look after those who are unsought and neglected in the dance".

Rules for the Ballroom

A man who knows how to dance, and refuses to do so, should absent himself from a ball.

Noisy talking and boisterous laughter in a ballroom are contrary to the rules of etiquette.

In a ballroom, never forget nor confuse your engagements. If such should occur, an apology, of course, must be offered and pleasantly accepted.

Always wear white gloves in a ballroom. Very light shades are admissible.

Usually a married couple do not dance together in society, but it is a sign of unusual attention for a husband to dance with his wife, and he may do so if he wishes.

Great care should be taken by a lady in refusing to dance with a gentleman. After refusing, she should not accept another invitation for the same dance.

"When gentleman are introduced to ladies at a ball for the purpose of dancing, upon meeting afterward, they should wait to be recognized before speaking; but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing. An introduction for dancing does not constitute a speaking acquaintance"

Ladies and gentlemen could not dance unless they had been introduced, so the hosts and escort spent much of the evening rushing about making introductions
 
Absolutely. I'm from the perspective where learning to color inside the lines is more about establishing a norm than about hand/eye coordination. We sure could be locked down too and the pecking order was nothing to sneeze at. We're still incredibly archaic about the latter- ' norms ' helped lock it in but gee whiz, it's 2020. Past time to let go of the idea better/worse based on ' place ' in society.

I'm more getting at the fundamental idea there was a kinda baseline when it came to interacting with each other. Those elaborate modes of conduct were extreme, base was a useful construct, you know? As our population grows, space between us shrinks. Social media hasn't helped, where it's just FINE to be both rude and intrusive. Crazy stuff, when it's more important than ever to just, plain figure out how to get along.

I was always told the true heart of etiquette was making sure none of your actions was (or could be) hurtful to another. Pretty simple. Having pretty manners is a nice way to avoid being hurtful but they aren't necessary. And those with pretty public manners and ugly private ones are no help to society at all.

And man oh man do I agree about the growth in toxic behavior online! Seems like the thin veil of anonymity that comes with using a screen name gives folks a sense that they can abandon any and all standards.
 
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