Civil War Humor.

Joined
Nov 30, 2014
Messages
873
Location
Sunny SoFla
When God created The Confederate States, he looked down on them with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
'Just see," said God. "These are the best yet. Splendid mountains and valleys, beautiful scenery, brave men, brave women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whiskey. Try some."
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
"Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.
But what about the *food*? How can you describe the South and not put a single good word in about the food? :nah disagree:
 

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rosefiend

First Sergeant
Joined
Jun 5, 2014
Messages
1,295
Location
Confusion, Missouri
Here's a goofy little newspaper article taking pokes at war correspondents.

****

[NEW ORLEANS] DAILY PICAYUNE, March 27, 1864, p. 7, c. 2

"Our Own."

The New York Leader for March 5 publishes an amusing letter from its "Own" correspondent, who is also "McAr-one." It is a more than mere imitation of the usual style of "our own correspondents" in the field generally:

Before Richmond, March 2, 1864.
My Dear Leader—I am again at home in the saddle. I write this on horseback, holding my sabre in my teeth. The foe is all around us. The news I am about to give you I have known for some weeks. I did not, however, consider it proper to publish our movements prematurely. Nothing definite is yet known of our whereabouts. Me and Fitzpatrick are at the head of ___ men. We also have a battery of ___ guns, provided with ____cartridges. It is reported that we have taken Richmond. There is no truth in the report at present.
Gen. Custer made a grand divertisement on Sunday to draw the rebel cavalry troops from us. He drew them. He got tangled on the question of roads. There used to be a very good road from the Rapidan to Spottsylvania Court House, but the rebels moved it back into the country. Custer, therefore, could not find it, and had to take to the woods all night, drawing the rebel cavalry after him. At one time they caught up with him. A desperate hand-to-hand fight began, and lasted four hours. The rebels, as is their custom, outnumbered our men five to one. Three men were partly killed, and one gently wounded. Our soldiers fought like tigers. It is considered almost certain that some of the enemy were hurt. Nothing definite is yet known.
Having conquered the whole force of Stuart's cavalry, and opened a clear road to Richmond, our troops withdrew, and have returned. Meanwhile, me and Kilpatrick were dashing around in another direction, to come at the back part of Richmond. The 5th Regular Cavalry captured a rebel battery, blew up the caissons and men, spiked the guns and horses, and left without losing a single man. They lost a few married ones, though. Heavy firing has been heard over the left, all this morning. It is presumed to be caused by guns going off. Nothing definite is known, as yet.
Our object in coming here is to pillage Richmond, burn the capitol and maybe Jeff Davis, and then to plant the star-spangled banner upon the smoking ruins; that is, if the ruins don't object to smoking. An intelligent contraband, whom I captured last night, tells me that an army of twelve hundred thousand men—not conscripts—could take Richmond without much difficulty. I judge so, too. Send me twelve hundred thousand men. Lee's forces are reported to be much astonished at the manner in which me and Kilpatrick got around them. But then Lee is such a good natured cuss; anybody can get around him. This is said to be the most successful cavalry raid of the war, so far. It is still going on.
The defences of Richmond are very feeble. They consist mainly of quaker guns, and our scouts say there are but two armed men and one armed boy in the fortifications. Nothing definite, however, is known of the matter as yet. But the fact is that the entire South is played out. Its armies have been reduced to almost nothing by desertion and disease. This is reliable. The following figures plainly show the facts in the case. Figures never lie:

Desertion per diem......................................................100
" " month.................................................3,000
For two years, as above,.......................................312,000
Total of Lee's army, two years ago.........300,000

The balance have undoubtedly died in the hospitals, or been killed on the field. The result leaves Gen. Lee with twelve thousand men less than none. I don't quite understand it, but it is according to the statements of the newspaper correspondents generally, and therefore must be true. Their currency has depreciated so that a plate of cold ham would cost, in Richmond, two hundred and thirty dollars in gold. The only reason it doesn't, is that there isn't a plate of cold ham in Richmond. This is a fact.
Further, the Southern rulers are dispirited, and would gladly accept President Lincoln's invitation that they should come and be hanged, like good boys, were it not for their pusillanimous fear of public opinion. This is beyond a doubt. I may mention, in the same connection, that the great mass of the people in the Confederacy are strongly in favor of the Union. This I know to be true. Putting all these items together, it is easily seen that the backbone of the rebellion is broken, and it cannot hold out thirty days longer. This is above questioning. The papers said so, two years ago. My chief bugler, who is just come in to warm his bugle, says that he understands something has happened, somewhere. More things are expected to happen, shortly. Let the haughty chivalry of the South tremble. An avenging angel is at the portals of their doomed city. His eye flashes flames of lambent destruction. His hand wields an invincible falchion. He belongs to the unterrified Democracy of the Union. He goes in for a vigorous prosecution of the war, and his name is
McArone.
 


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