Civil War Humor-Fact and/or Fiction

[mobile_96]

Southern Bivouac-Vol.1,pg 393, June 1883
A Vermont man who is applying for a penson says he distinguished himself by staying at home during the war.
Every body else in the village went to Canada.

[blue_zouave]

LOL, Chuck, sounds like the jokes we used to tell in the Viet Nam era!

Zou

[mobile_96]

Everything changes, but stays the same. And to think this was written 119 years ago. Its like the tax letter I have on my homepages. Its almost 38 years old and still reads the same today as then.
Anyway, glad it got a laugh, I plan on adding more like this,hopefully every week or so. Or until I'm told to get out of Dodge.

[terchris]

I liked that Charles keep 'em coming!

[mobile_96]

Confederate Veteran,Wol 2, pg 165 (1893)
"for the first time since the war period a squadron of cavalry was recently quartered near Washingon, on the old Lee estate "Arlington." One of the companies halted near a farmhouse, and the Captain, in conversation with the owner, remarked that he was going to the Bull Run battlefield,and would remain there over Sunday.
The farmers daughter, seated nearby on the piazzza, began to laugh, and when asked for an explanation said: "Well, Captain, yours will the first Union soldiers who have stayed there that long."

[mental_nomad]

Not sure if this post belongs here but I found it kinda amusing..


Civil War All Stars


Note This little beauty came from the August 1965 issue of Civil War Times and was authored by Jay Luvaas. Hope they don't mind me posting it. Just too good to pass up.

Union All Stars

Manager - U.S. Grant. Has good success with the two-platoon system; has developed well-balanced team. Possibly a bit lax in enforcing training rules.

First Base-"Cump" Sherman. Watch this boy burn up the base paths. Reminds old timers of the "Georgia Peach" Good at digging them out of the dirt; consistent hitter. Not popular with all fans.

Second Base - George Meade. Good pivot man. Team captain. Always dangerous at the plate. Would attract more attention with a favorable press.

Third Base -"Fighting Joe" Hooker. Whiffs a lot since he was beaned at Chancellorsville. Plenty of natural ability; sometimes clutches under pressure. Good power, but a sucker for an outside curve.

Shortstop - "Phil" Sheridan. Larcenous base runner. Able to go from either side. Real sparkplug of team's offense. Dangerous in the clutch.

Right Field - "Speedy" Burnside. a real "wall climber," which led to injuries last season at Fredericksburg. Has developed a rifle arm. Led the league in strike-outs last season.

Center Field - Jim Wilson. One of the least publicized players in the league. A strong arm and plenty of speed. A good pull hitter. Candidate for rookie of the year.

Left Field - George McClellan. Plenty of natural ability, but slow on the base paths. Probably brought up from the minors too soon.

Catcher-"Rocky" Thomas. Real key to team defense. Good arm; plenty of power. Base runners don't take chances with this one.

Pitcher -"Win" Hancock. Fireballer; tough with runners on base. The best of a weak staff.

Pitcher - Bill Rosecrans. Has good stuff, but experiences difficulty staying ahead of the batter.

Pitcher - "Chief" Custer. Rookie of the year his first full season in the majors. Hasn't been the same since the last series with the Indians!

Middle Relief-"Come to Papa" John Buford. Good with the changeup, continually has batters chasing the Seminary Sinker Ball, a favorite of his.

Closer- Joshua Chamberlain. Calls his overpowering fast ball the swinging gate. Been known to use the inside portion of the plate with great advantage, some cases beaning opposing hitters.

Confederate All Stars

Manager - Robert E. Lee. Aggressive; not afraid to take risks. Lee gets along well with both the players and the front office, but who was it that said "Nice guys don't finish first?"

First Base - "Frenchie" Beauregard. Slick fielder. Has tendency to swing at bad pitches. Has never quite lived up to preseason notices.

Second Base - "Joe Johnston. Good field, no hit. Can make the double play. Has been peddled to several clubs because of his uncertain temperament.

Third Base - "Texas John" Hood. Good at the hot corner; hangs tough at the plate. Provides plenty of batting muscle when not on disabled list.

Shortstop - "Jeb" Stuart. Can play any position, best at short. Good range, often hits for the circuit. A real crowd pleaser.

Right Field - "Ranger" Mosby. Hits well to all fields; excels at hit and run. Really shines when playing in his own field.

Center Field - "Wizard" Forrest. A tough competitor. Covers lots of ground in center. Can hit the long ball. An umpire baiter.

Left Field - "Bill" Hardee. A real student of the game. Dangerous at the plate. One of the most underrated players in either league.

Catcher - "Pete" Longstreet. A steady influence. Plenty of power at the plate a tough competitor and a good pull hitter. Seems to have trouble hitting in Yankee Stadium.

Pitcher - "Stonewall" Jackson. Best righthander in the league. Blazing fast ball. Uses dust-off pitches. Can usually go the route. Chances for a successful year may well rest on Jackson's arm.

Pitcher - "Brax" Bragg. Control pitcher; good for a couple of innings. Would probably work better on a different club.

Pitcher - A. S. "Mormon" Johnston. Master of the curve ball, but sometimes has trouble with control.

Middle Relief - A.P."Red" Hill. Good set-up man when his temper doesn't get in his way. Refuses to pitch when Longstreet is catching. Sometimes feuds with other pitchers.

Closer - "Baldy Ewell" Capable fast baller. Has trouble reading signals, sometimes has problems with power hitters.

[mobile_96]

I see no reason for it not appearing here. A good one thats been making the e-mail rounds lately. I've received it from 3 different folks already this past wk.

[mobile_96]

CV 37, pg 131
D.B. Easley, South Boston,Va. at Seven Pines in the 14th under Armistead.
........When they formed up and were told to fire just as the Union troops were about to step into us.
"the man in my rear put his gun just beside my face and fired, blacking my face, burning it slightly, and deafening me, and a ball stuck me on the round bone which projects outside on the right knee and stopped about an inch above the ankle..." "I looked and saw a small hole in the only new uniform I got during the war"
He was carried off by 2 men and put in one of the regimental wagons as no ambulance was available.
"I gave the driver my canteen and he got drunk on the first drink, and took me to Richmond, about seven miles, in a gallop, whch came about near killing me as the wound.
After 10 days in the 3rd Georgia hospital a artery broke and he almost bled to death. Dr. G.W. Campbell tied off the femoral artery, and next day the ball was removed.
"They told me if I stirred too much and it broke loose, I would bled to death with out remedy in two and a half minutes, and I lay there afraid to more for about a month unnecessarily."
" and the newspapers said I was killed. I doubt that.
Don't think I find fault with doctors, they were good doctors, good fellows, and treated me right."

[mobile_96]

SB vol. 1 pg 431, June 1883
"I never killed but one man during the whole war," said Colonel James Otis, late commander of New York cavalry, "and that was unavoidable,"
"How was that?"
"Well," said the colonel, seriously, "a confederate chased me twenty-five miles, and fell from sheer exhaustion. I have regretted it ever since, but it could not be helped."

[mobile_96]

SB vol 1 pg432 June 1883
Judge John Rice was a very violent secessionist, and in a speech urging secession said, "Why,___ the Yankess! If they show fight, we can whip them with pop-guns."
A short time the war, Judge Rice was making a speech at the same cross-roads where he had made is boasting speech before the war.
One of the audience asked if he was not the same Judge Rice that spoke there in 1860.
"I am," he replied.
"Well, didn't you say we could whip the yankees with pop-guns?"
"I did; and we could have done it; but, _____'em, they wouldn't fight us that way!"

[traveller]

That reminds me of Sedgewick's (correct me if I'm wrong) famous last words about them not being able to hit an elephant at this distance. I suppose it is a good thing that we can all still find humor in such a tragedy

[mobile_96]

SB vol 1, pg 37, 1883
A member of one of the regiments composing the "Orphan Brigade," had never been known to fire his gun in battle, or, for that matter, out of it, although his place in the company was never vacant.

He did not fear the battle's risk,
To him 'twas but a trifle,
But he had a holy horror of
The Kick from his own rifle.

[mobile_96]

Don't Be Uneasy.
Said an anxious mother to the conscript officer: "Sir, I'd rather see my son in his coffin that to see him go into army."
"Don't give yourself any uneasiness on that subject," said the officer, "I assure you that he will soon be there."


Reminiscent Paragraphs
Ben B___ was foraging and finding a farm house
deserted, he went in to see what was lying around loose, and the only thing left was the house cat. He took that back to camp. The boys asked him what he wanted with a cat in camp. Ben said he just took it to keep the enemy from getting it.

[mobile_96]

Mobile-1865 -Last Stand of the Confederacy pg 193-4
On April 8, 1865 during the attack on Fort Blakely:
Bluecoats swarmed over the rifle pits, clubbing and bayaoneting many Rebels who stood their ground to the very end, as Gates had ordered. Only when annihilation seemed certain did Captain Davis Lanter and the Missourians begin to fall back to the Rebel earthworks 200 yards in their rear. Corporal Kavanaugh bolted from his rifle pit and raced for Redoubt 4 with yankee soldiers just paces behind him.
Under a rain of bullets, Kavanaugh and two of his comrades ran for their lives. He later recalled, "it appeared to me that all hell had turned loose and every man in the US was practicing on us with repeating rifles." (He made it back but his 2 friends were shot down.)

[mobile_96]

CV Vol. XXIV pg 409

If A Soldier Meet a Soldier
by Gen. M. Jeff Thompson
(Air, "Coming through the rye")

If a soldier meet a soldier "mid the battle's din
And a soldier kills the soldier, surely 'tis no sin;
But if a soldier meet a soldier when the fight is o'er,
He gives his han' and shares his can, like gallent men of yore.

If a soldier meet a soldier-I pray you now take note-
And to that soldier says, "Mr. Soldier, come out of that 'ere coat,"
Now this soldier to that soldier really mean no ill,
For "Uncle Sam" or "Cousin Sal" has to foot the bill.

But if a soldier's not a soldier, though he wear the coat,
Then some soldier of that soldier should promptly cut his throat;
For a soldier's not a soldier if his brand's of fire
And homesteads, hearthstones, family alters only feel his ire

The kind of soldiers loved by soldiers carry brands of steel,
And the strong blows of a soldier soldiers dare to feel;
But a soldier ****s the soldier who, shunning a fair fight,
Makes widows lone and orphans poor only know his might.

There are some soldiers, Christan soldiers, who seem to love the strife,
And these soldiers of other soldiers gladly take their life.
But all good soldiers, partriot soldiers, pray the strife to cease;
Each humbly asks, "Great God, of thee our libery and peace"

[unionblue]

From the newspapers of the time, I submit the following two humorous stories.

On the day of President Lincoln's funeral a bronzed and weather beaten soldier anxious to obtain a better view of the procession, happened to step before a party of ladies and gentlemen. One of the gentlemen nudged him on the elbow, at the same observing, "Excuse me, sir, you are right in front of us." Bowing handsomely in return, the soldier replied, "That is nothing remarkable for I have been in front of you for four years."

And one more, just for fun.

While soldiers were searching the passengers on the Copperhead train from Indianapolis (containing delegates from the Copperhead Convention at Indianapolis) on Wednesday evening for pistols, one of them discovered no less than SEVEN revolvers hid in a lady's bosom. Gathering up the pistols, he politely remarked to the lady, "Madam, your breastworks seem to be ironclad."

YMOS,
Unionblue

[mobile_96]

When the news of the surrender of Lee was being communicated to Sherman's army, a soldier who had been attentively listening, cried out,
"Thunder, you're the very man we've been looking for, for four years!"
********** ********** ********** ********** *********
"Captain, we are entirely out of ammunition," said the orderly sergeant of a company to his Irish captain in one of the regiments of the Union Army at the battle of the Wilderness.
"Antirely out?" said the captain.
"Yes, entirely out."
"Then sase firing," said the captain.

[mobile_96]

During the war one General Pope made a report in which he captured a very large
slice of the Confederate army, and every whopper in the Ananias line was likened
to General Pope's report.
At one time a soldier lying "in extremis" sent for chaplain for religious consolation, and curiously enough, the gentleman of the cloth turned to the Jonah story and read it, when the following conversation ensued.Soldier___"Chaplain, is that from the Bible?"
Chaplain___"Yes, my brother, from the Word of God."
Soldier (with failing breath)___"Please--look--again and see if it is not General Pope's report."

[johan_steele]

Bumped to the top as I think some humor would do us a world of good.