Civil War Weddings

brown171union · #1 12-15-2002, 02:33 PM

hey all;
I was just thinking about my first person for my civil war reenacting and this question crossed my mind: When would my character get married? I havent really thought about it that much, but I was wondering if anyone knew at what age would a girl in the civil war time get married? And at what age would they "date" or court?
I have done "shotgun weddings" in Wild West reenactments before, but I dont really think that would be a common happening at a civil war event

thanks; and happy holidays!
-AJ
(married seven times for riding in the wagon with a boy........sigh)

tulip · #2 12-15-2002, 06:16 PM

Prior to the 1830s early courtship and marriage were encouraged, but this began to change as recognition dawned that women were dying from both excessive child bearing and exhausting child nurturing. Families, particularly from the emerging middle class began to delay marriage and of course courtship from the teens to the twenties in order to shorten the child bearing years of their daughters and sisters. In addition, urbanization and industrialization changed the living patterns of young men who moved from their communities to take up new occupations. It became more incumbent on them to establish themselves first before assuming the liability of a wife and children.

Courtship practices were tightened and writers began undermining "romantic love" by advancing and advocating the ideas of compatibility, shared interests and mutual respect. Marriage was considered a serious step requiring intellectual analysis rather than emotional responses.

Nonetheless, hormones do not change because the mind insists that they be ignored and sexual playfulness was often part of courting. In addition, marriage was the social expectation of both men and women. A spinster was a marginal and often ignored member of the community and bachelors were considered at lose ends, fickle or unstable.

Most men began to court seriously by 23 and women 18 to 21. The median age for a bride was 20 and grooms 25. This allowed women time to look over potential suitors, learn the many housekeeping skills that would be required and to get used to the idea of separation from their own families. For men delayed marriage gave them the opportunity of saving money and becoming established in a career.

Civil War, however, as in all wars changed the dynamics in varying degrees. Particularly in the South, the principal occupation of women had been courtship and war decreased social activities and available men for participation. Therefore, fear of spinsterhood and natural desire led to many unconventional liasons. Emma Holmes observed that there were many "strange marriages & matches made by the war." She felt that some were precipitated by indiscretions when she remarked, "The Blockade don't keep out babies."

Many upper middle class women found themselves being courted by men of humble origins, men who in earlier circumstances they would never have met much less considered as suitors. Ada Bacot lamented a new trend that had also crept into her circle of friends "that of a woman marrying a man younger than herself . . ."

In other words, prewar strictures had broken down and expediency took over. Mary Chesnut was appalled at some of the behavior she witnessed in women of her own class who flirted openly and kissed strangers in public. After traveling from Richmond to the Carolinas on the train, Chesnut was horrified at displays of affections she witnessed, "I might . . . never have known of girls who kissed the back of horrid men's necks - faugh! Or widows who brushed with their eyelashes their cousin's cheeks in the public cars." Chestnut like most older women deplored the headlong rush to the altar and hurried courtships.

Esther Alden, however, probably best expressed the attitude of young women in the south as the war progressed, "One looks at a man so differently when you think he may be killed tomorrow. Men whom up to this time I had thought dull and commonplace . . . seemed charming."

While time honored traditions were either ignored or compressed, the "marrying craze" was recognized by hundreds of diarists and letter writers. "Every girl in Richmond is engaged or about to be, wrote Phoebe Pember Yates in February 1864 while she herself was working as head matron at Chimborazo Hospital and thereby participating in a change of gender roles.

Chestnut, the ubiquitous diarist worried about the changes constantly and lamented "An engagement . . . means so little."

Yet getting married was important and women were willing to break old prohibitions and ignore their once cherished dreams. Clara MacLean was forthright when she wrote, "numerous ladies . . . are reduced to marry men whom they do not love merely because they crave affection." Another woman complained that her friend had lost all semblance of true feelings when she finished sobbing over her fallen suitor only to begin looking for another. "As soon as she began whining about her dead beaux, I knew she was after another one . . . She won't lose any time."

Up North things were not much better although there was more of an opportunity to meet men under less stressful circumstances than in the war-torn South where the situation was fluid and news always bad placing extraordinary stress on the women in the rear.

Still there was a true dearth of men in the North as well. Mary Livermore said that "Wisconsin and Iowa are run by women" referring to the fact that women were in the fields, behind store counters and manning factories since both states had sent their young men to the battlefield. Complicating matters up North was the fact that the young soldiers were far away, unlike in the South where the armies were encamped in the backyard. Some women up North vented their frustrations through harmless pranks. While putting together gifts for the soldiers in the Chicago Sanitary Commission rooms, many a woman slipped in racy and ribald notes to unidentified soldiers who would receive the packages.

Recuperating soldiers were also eagerly sought after. Even an amputee was a possible mate as Buck Preston demonstrated while briefly engaged to General Hood, "the cause glorifies such wounds." But the lady she spoke with quipped back, "I fear it will be my fate to marry one who has lost his head."

Yankees were also fair game in the marriage market and there were many marriages the Federals either passed through an area or were encamped for long periods near southern populations. While many women refused to walk past a US flag or listen to Northern songs, they could also be seen "arm in arm with dashing Lieutenants and Captains." One of the more interesting marriages happened between Joseph Willard, part owner of Willard's Hotel in Washington and Antonia Ford, a Virginia spy he was sent to arrest. "It seems I was literaly thrown in your way by a power above us -- call it Destiny; I think that prettier word than Fate," Antonia wrote in December 1863.

Weddings, whatever the circumstances were welcomed social events and even threadbare brides were radiant. Economy usually replaced the glorious wedding gowns of the past and a nice day dress was considered proper attire, but flowers especially orange blossoms were still seen. Northerner Ellen Wright wrote that she was going to renovate her old clothes for she was uninterested in, "shining forth in new apparel in these hard times." She did request that friends not send gifts although she received many including gifts that were reminders of war such as statues of The Wounded Recruit, and The Contraband.

Gift giving in the South was impossible, but the wedding feast became a community effort. When LaSalle Corbell married General George Pickett in Petersburg, a gun salute was given, bells chimed and bugles hailed as the couple embarked on a train to Richmond. In the capitol, everyone pitched in to make the dinner memorable including Varina Davis and Mrs. Robert E. Lee who brought wartime fruitcake. Afterwards there was a night of dancing.

When Libbie Bacon married George Armstrong Custer in an elaborate 1863 wedding ceremony in Monroe Michigan she wore a stiff and elegant white satin gown that seemed to "walk into the church alone," with a long veil and wreath of orange blossoms. The reception for 300 following the ceremony was costly and impressive as were the many gifts including an exquisite silver tea service.

When Dick Maury failed to appear at his wedding to Sue Crutchfield in 1861, his sister wrote: "Dick's wedding day and he is not home! How entirely the condition of the country changes everything. Six months ago, a gentleman who failed to keep such an engagement would have been forever disgraced. Now it is scarcely a matter of comment." Dick was unable to get leave until the following year and was finally married on July 17, 1862.

Near the end of the war after Columbia SC fell to the Yankees, Louisa McCord was busy planning her wedding . Family and friends had scrapped together a trousseau which was a "monument to needlework ingenuity," and old gloves were redyed with ink as were two pair of ragged slippers, but a white wedding gown could not be found and Louisa was determined. Throughout the war her mother had resolutely refused to trade for goods that came through the blockade or to trade behind the lines with Yankees. Now driven by a need to satisfy her daughter, Mrs. McCord found white muslin yardage at a sutler, but was stunned at the price of $10 in greenbacks demanded. First she tried selling her carpet and some chairs, but didn't get enough. Then: "What did my mother do, my mother with all her pride! she went and begged that Yankee to keep the muslin a few days . . . and she drove round town selling lard and butter until she made up the deficiency in the $10.00, bought the dress [fabric] and brought it home to me. Do you think I can ever forget that?"

A wedding ring also became a challenge for Louisa's fiancé. He announced that he would have to travel to another part of the state to borrow a ring from a cousin or aunt, but the McCord family came through again. Louisa's sister offered her 16th birthday ring. Louisa wanted to be married in church, but the family had no transportation. The buggy had been confiscated and the horses eaten. Guests who came couldn't stay long "because their supply of horse feed gave out!" To add to the wedding feast a friend brought raisins and six candles cut in half to provide 12 for the traditional candlelight.

Trials and Triumphs: The Woment of the American Civil Warby Marilyn Mayer Culpepper
Women of the Civil War by Mary Elizabeth Massey
Willard's of Washington by Garnett Laidlaw Eskew
Mothers of Invention by Drew Gilpin Faust
My Story of the War by Mary Livermore
Hands and Hearts: A History of Courtship in America by Ellen K. Rothman
Mary Chesnut: A Diary by Mary Chesnut
Intimate Strategies edited by Bleser and Gordon
Elizabeth Bacon Custer by Shirley Leckie

(Message edited by tulip on December 16, 2002)