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Have seen some of those before, but there were a few new ones that got the chuckle. Thanks.That one brought up a non-military axiom in my past: We have fast, good, and cheap. Pick two.
ole
This was one of those things forwarded to me in email. Usually I do not forward and of the stuff I get but I forwarded this one to a buddy of mine who used to fly F-4's and is now a pilot for American. He married an Air Force Air Traffic Controller and he couldn't wait to share the one about the similarities between air traffic controllers and pilots with her.
__________________ "There must be more historians of the Civil War than there were generals figthing in it... Of the two groups, the historians are the more belligerent." David Donald, Lincoln Reconsidered (1961)
Location: Baltimore, Charm City, Mobtown, "a foul nest of secessionist vipers" - take your pick.
Posts: 14
A classic military joke
During WWII a pilot crashed his P-38 in a remote part of the Alaskan wilderness. By the time rescuers got to him, he was in such serious condition that it was obvious he couldn't be moved. All that could be done was to make him as comfortable as possible for the short time he had left.
Finally, after doing everything he could, the medic looked at the poor man and asked helplessly, "How do you feel?"
Slowly opening swollen eyes in a battered face, the pilot smiled weakly and whispered, "It's okay... it only hurts when I laugh."
Vous pouvez voir par mes vêtements que je ne suis pas un cowboy.
"The people of the free states have defended, encouraged, and participated; and are more guilty for it, before God, than the South, in that they have not the apology of education or custom." - Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of "Uncle Tom's Cabin", on the North and slavery
During WWII a pilot crashed his P-38 in a remote part of the Alaskan wilderness. By the time rescuers got to him, he was in such serious condition that it was obvious he couldn't be moved. All that could be done was to make him as comfortable as possible for the short time he had left.
Finally, after doing everything he could, the medic looked at the poor man and asked helplessly, "How do you feel?"
Slowly opening swollen eyes in a battered face, the pilot smiled weakly and whispered, "It's okay... it only hurts when I laugh."
"Oh, the handsome young aviator was dying
And as 'neath the wreckage he lay
To the weeping mechanics all about him
These last parting words he did say
'Take the cylinders out of my kidneys
The connecting rod out of my brain
From the small of my back get the crankshaft
And assemble the engine again'."
E-9... He's the NCO that talks to God on a Regular bassis, usualty a 20+ year lifer.
__________________ Few take the trouble to understand or to view the American scene with perspective. And we Americans love to find ourselves guilty of something. However, it is never I who am guilty, but those other Americans, the past or present government or the other political party. Americans almost never find other countries guilty. It is always ourselves or our fancied influence in other countries. Louis L'amour
OK buckle you seat belts and put a cover over your keyboard.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and airline pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are Defect listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Defect: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Action. . ."Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Defect: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Action. . ."Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
Defect: Flight Attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.
Defect: F/A's complain of numerous roaches in the galleys.
Action: Roaches deplaned.
Defect: Live cockroach seen disappearing in forward galley.
Action: Live cockroach transferred to HIL (Hold Item List)
Defect: 3 roaches in galley.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Defect: Mouse in radio stack.
Action: Cat installed in radio stack.
Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
__________________ Few take the trouble to understand or to view the American scene with perspective. And we Americans love to find ourselves guilty of something. However, it is never I who am guilty, but those other Americans, the past or present government or the other political party. Americans almost never find other countries guilty. It is always ourselves or our fancied influence in other countries. Louis L'amour
Subject: Evolution of an Airman Civilian
Think you're tough stuff because you are joining the Air Force and all the girls will dig you once you learn how to fly a plane in basic training.
Airman basic
You're shaved bald, given a uniform that is two sizes too big, and have developed a nervous tic from some T.I. screaming at you all day. You don't think about the girls at home, but you think that female airman at the snack bar at the Lackland Chapparell is checking you out. You push up yourgovernment-issue glasses and work up the nerve to ask her to dance. You don't want to learn how to fly a plane. You want to fly on a plane home.
Airman
You've graduated basic training AND tech school and you are proud to be in the military. You think all the chicks dig you AND your one stripe while you are home on leave. You call everyone, "sir," including veterans, your mother, and that slightly masculine looking mail lady. You spend an hour putting your uniform together at night, using a ruler and level to make sure your one ribbon signifying basic training graduation is centered perfectly on your uniform, as if the uniform itself didn't already signify your graduation from basic training. You obsessively check your name tag in the mirror because when you breathe in a little too much it looks slightly uneven. You spend your entire pay on dry cleaning with extra heavy starch and go through a can of Windex and furniture polish each week
on your corofram shoes. ****, you look sharp.
Airman 1st Class
You are a mentor to all those younger troops, and feel it is your duty to instill pride as you strive to achieve status as senior airman. You now call your mother, "mom," you make fun of the slightly masculine mail lady behind her back and call every enlisted person, with the exception of chief master sergeants, by their first name. Anyone named Jim is an automatic, "Jimbo." You've been able to stretch the Windex and furniture polish to last for an entire month, though you haven't used it in your dorm room because why clean your room? It's not like there are any inspections or anything.
Senior Airman
Twelve months after putting on this stripe you think everyone should give you more respect, because had you been in the service 13 years earlier, you'd be a buck sergeant by now. You've learned that laying a towel on the floor is not a good way to iron your shirt, so you buy an ironing board on your AAFES DPP/Star card, and you think it's a good deal because you only have to pay $3 a month on it for the next five years - just 30 years less than it will take you to pay off the Hyundai you bought from the unscrupulous car dealer outside the base when you were a one-striped airman trying to impress the girls with your stripe AND new car. This makes no difference because you sold the car for $1,000 before you PCS'd to Korea two years earlier, and you haven't seen it since.
Staff Sergeant
You realize you need to set an example, so you take your uniforms to the cleaners once every couple of weeks, then iron it the rest of the time until it no longer maintains a natural crease. You can't remember which pants material is authorized because it has changed so often so you just wear anything blue in your closet and hope no one notices. No one does notice because they are equally as confused, except maybe the new Airman in your flight.
Technical Sergeant
You really should clean off that coffee stain you spilled on your shirt earlier in the day, but it can wait until you e-mail all your buddies from your previous six assignments. Those pants are a little snug. Better cut down to only one box of Girl Scout cookies a night. You grumble with other NCOs about all these uppity Airmen First Class walking around calling everybody, "Jimbo." Your can of Windex and furniture polish lasts a good year unless the kids are spraying it around the house to make it smell lemony.
Master Sergeant
Thank goodness you can wear shoulder boards now. No one notices you forgot how to crease your sleeves and you're tired of paying the AAFES dry cleaner to do it because it always comes back with double creases, and who needs that headache? Bitter that your colleagues in the other services make E-7 within six months of graduating basic training, you obsessively go over how many days you have until retirement, making sure your figures haven't changed much since you first start calculating that as a Technical Sergeant. Good thing AAFES makes those uniform belts with the stretchy material.
Senior Master Sergeant
You spend your latest pay raise to pay off the Hyundai a couple years ahead of schedule AND to buy some new uniforms, but refuse to go up in size as a matter of pride. You take the shirt out of its plastic wrap, give it a couple good shakes and are impressed with the fact that it sort of looks like a couple sharp creases from a distance.
Chief Master Sergeant
You walk around all day because it looks good for a Chief to mingle, and it might help you to pass the yearly bike test. You tend to wear BDUs more often these days. You are a warrior, after all, and they do have a slimming effect. As a bonus, you can't even detect the coffee stains. You put off those retirement plans because suddenly you get more respect than a four-star general, and you figure this gig ain't so bad after all. You go through a can of furniture polish each week shining all the wooden busts of Indian chief heads that you have decorating your office and house.
__________________ Few take the trouble to understand or to view the American scene with perspective. And we Americans love to find ourselves guilty of something. However, it is never I who am guilty, but those other Americans, the past or present government or the other political party. Americans almost never find other countries guilty. It is always ourselves or our fancied influence in other countries. Louis L'amour
I had a roommate who had been a controller on an E3 AWACS. For those who aren't into air force stuff, the E3 is an airborne control tower. He loved to tell a story of a radio transmission that he copied..."Rattlesnake in the cockpit, I'm punching out!"
Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.
__________________ David
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person" diddyriddick
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